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The Onion Dip

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Evil Genius Messing with Your Bills

Woman looking at Utility bills

Customer Service

VOL . Issue ..

The evil genius behind the bills from virtually all the leading bloodsuckers credit card companies is launching a series of new designs that shrink the name of the entity to whom a check must be addressed, and place that text right on the poorly perforated fold of the account statement. The size of the font of “Make checks payable to” and the organization’s name will decrease from an irritatingly puny 6 to an outrageously teeny 2, making this information illegible to humans without magnifying glasses. By tweaking the layout and the printer interface, the evil genius has gotten that same snippet of text to print squarely on the fold, so that when the well-meaning bill payer tears along the perforation, the information is obliterated or massively compromised. The corporate aims behind the evil genius’s efforts are unclear, since one might think it fairly important to the biller to make it pretty goddamn easy for a customer to promptly remit a payment to “Card Services” or whoever the correct goddamn entity is. One blogger speculated that the newly confounding designs are part of a strategy to shame the poor saps who still write and mail paper checks and to not so subtly persuade them to convert to the automated soul extraction of electronic payment.

“Cleaning Up Before the Cleaning Lady” Entrepreneur Mopping Up

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Entertainment

VOL 4 Issue 30

YouTube darling Tiffany Spottie has signed a deal to bring her “Presto PreCleaning” show to HGTV, it can be announced. In 2016 Spottie was just another single, working mom who frantically struggled every two weeks–spending as much as four hours—to get her home reasonably ready to be cleaned by a professional service. She began publishing short videos that offered tips on PreCleaning and introduced topics including “the 5-minute room rule,” “wiping up without killing yourself,” “your kids should be staging their toys,” and “what you can pile behind the bedroom door.” In six months, Spottie attracted three million followers, many of them enamored of her perky, confident pragmatism suggestive of Rachael Ray, as well as her noteworthy décolletage and wondrous practice of the mundane, such as squeezing a sponge in the manner that Giada De Laurentiis ecstatically pours olive oil. “Tiffany is positively filling a need that applies to virtually all American households,” HGTV programming executive Lonnie Reynolds said. “I’ve been going nuts for years prepping for my cleaning lady—I should have done this show myself!”

Actor Stays in Character for Subway Candid

Giamatti

Celebrities

VOL 8 Issue 137

One of the finest thespians of his generation recently resisted the urge to lambaste then blow away an amoral wannabe paparazzo while riding the 6 train on the New York City subway. Instead, the adept chameleon with a golden baritone remained in his character for the new Netflix drama, “Schlubs Unleashed”—an unflinching response to the feel-good exceptionalism of the quite popular “Humans of New York” book and blog—in which he plays a complacent, debt-crushed professional who contemplates every day the manifold ways in which the City shows him its utter indifference to an individual’s dignity and comfort. As the phone-wielder snickered and forwarded the pic to the New York Post in hopes of capitalizing on another’s inconvenience and apparent boredom, the performer masterfully propped his head and silently went over a line by the screenwriter team, “The City doesn’t care if I am here or not, if I am someone or nobody. Maybe I should move up to the front car and look up the tracks and into the future. Nah, I’ll just keep sitting here.”

Larry Lobster Meets one of his Heroes

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Travel

VOL 14 Issue 18

A Bahamas lobster named Larry was patrolling his neighborhood when he bumped into Tiger Woods, the human who was once of the world’s best golfers. “At first, I didn’t recognize him because of the gloves and booties,” said Larry. “When I realized it was Tiger, I invited him up to my deck for a piña colada and it was on.” Larry posted a picture on Twitter with the caption, “Nothing like sunbathing with my bro at Albany.” Lobster media around the world voraciously redistributed the message while labeling it a humble brag because Larry clearly wanted to show off not his low brush with fame but his sculpted, golden exoskeleton.

Area Man Still Perfecting His “What the Hell is Going on Here?”

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Life

VOL 50 Issue 365

Even though he is a very formidable authority figure, Ralph Bunker says he is still calibrating his delivery of “What the hell is going on here?” The admission comes after returning with his wife from an overnight trip to the Hudson Valley, to find his house in disarray and a group of sketchy teenagers, three of whom were his children, engaged in numerous shades of irresponsibility in the backyard. An already imposing father can’t be satisfied with his booming, demanding utterance of the stock question, according to Bunker, he has to keep perfecting his timbre and timing, along with the accompanying glare, in order to achieve the desired results—imprecisely defined though they might be. After unpacking and watching the teenagers disperse, Bunker practiced in front of a mirror before heading downstairs to confront the next instance of filial non-compliance.

Management Guru Reveals Two-Word Secret Sauce for CEO’s

Protagoras v. Abdera / Gem.v.J.de Ribera - Protagoras of Abdera /Painting by Ribera -

Business

VOL 10000000000 Issue 1

CEO’s should forget strategy, risk, globalization, collaboration, sustainability, digital disruption and many other trite bogeymen, according to renowned management expert and Harvard Business School Professor Magnus Gabor “The CEO must unashamedly demand MORE FASTER,” the Hungarian-born Gabor who advises leadership of more than 75% of the largest multinational companies, told Lou Dobbs of Fox Business News. “That is how he lives and that is what he has always done in interacting with employees, customers and suppliers. He has to own and perfect that behavior.” In the upcoming issue of the Harvard Business Review, Gabor, who speaks solemnly with an accent as thick as goulash, will publish the results of his unprecedented study of top business executives on six continents, many of whom were supposedly women, along with his one-step prescription. “MORE FASTER is the answer when the question is what to do, no matter who is asking the question nor its context,” intoned Gabor. “The CEO should not measure anything else or chase anything that makes him stray. Success correlates to his ability to embody MORE FASTER.” In a related story, Dobbs ruptured a vertebra in his neck while nodding vehemently in agreement during the interview with Gabor.

 

Huge American Flag Maker to Open Huge Car Dealership

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Business

VOL 50 Issue 1776

MegaGlory Inc., the leading manufacturer of supersize American flags, announced it will open a MegaDealer of all domestic and foreign automobiles. “We talk to all the U.S. car dealers and we learn from them every day, because they are essentially our only clients,” said Bull Rambo, President and CEO of MegaGlory Inc. “We like contributing to the splendor of their business, and we also like things that are enormous, so we are going to open a national network of gigantic centers that sell every kind of car.” Analysts note that as MegaDealer competes with and takes business from auto dealers, the move may cannibalize the company’s ridiculously-gigantic-American-flag business. Rambo acknowledged that observation, while asserting that the main lesson he’s taken from car dealers is whether you sell really big American flags that cluster and loom over stretches of municipalities, or just cars, it’s all about patriotism and has nothing to do with advertising, attracting attention, or making lots of money.

Amateur Physicist Theorizes Zone beyond Supermarket Milk Section

Wide perspective of empty supermarket

Science

VOL M Issue +1

There is a space-time region even farther away than milk in the supermarket, according to the mind-bending hypothesis of Zuleika Zounds. If it exists, the mysterious, frigid zone is so distant it would add thousands of steps and hours of exertion and inconvenience for a typical consumer/traveler each year—as if it were intentionally placed beyond the supermarket’s conventional boundaries by a malevolent architect who wants to mess with hurried people and drain them of precious time. Zounds, who enjoys games with numbers and PBS science programs, and has admitted to a bit of a crush on the genial and debonair Neil deGrasse Tyson, believes this speculative area is as far from regular ol’ mass-produced milk—not to be conflated with slightly more accessible organic milk or yogurt—as regular ol’ mass-produced milk is from the checkout. What the zone might contain strains the imagination, but Zounds says it would be foodstuff even more essential than regular ol’ mass-produced milk.

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