VOL 4 Issue 17
When Matt Drudge ended a rare radio appearance yesterday with the sign-off, “Now, I’ve gotta go pee,” it was the one millionth such public announcement tracked by Manhood Recaptured, a think tank devoted to “reversing the decline and fall of modern man.” The well-funded organization had one month ago launched a software solution that scrapes public news and video feeds, online forums, and social media channels, and logs any utterances about imminent urination. “Manliness is no more!” moaned Bjorn Pearce, a social psychology researcher, at a Manhood Recaptured press conference. “When a grown man, an adult man, a real man, tells a large group of people, which probably includes women, that he is going to pee, he is really crying out, ‘I’ve gotta go pee, Mommy!’” The think tank has controversially claimed that the pee meme equates to self-imposed infantilization and castration. “One million pee-pee’s can’t be wrong,” Pearce said, “We clearly inhabit a sad, decadent era in which half the population has discarded its identity.” He then exited the room with an apparent sense of urgency.