The Onion Dip

Humor. And Dip.

Researchers Isolate Ignore-the-Screaming-Child Gene



VOL 23 Issue 25000

The gene that allows an adult male to calmly ignore his own screaming infant or toddler has been identified. Scientists at Cold Spring Harbor Laboratory say the gene suppresses nurturing and empathy instincts, unleashes stress inhibitors, and effectively lets a man completely tune out a small child throwing a tantrum or otherwise vocalizing any form of bodily or emotional anguish. Through groundbreaking research on the gene, which exists only on the Y chromosome of all men worldwide, indicates it is most prominently activated during certain behaviors and in specific environments: while a man is driving his car and listening to Led Zeppelin’s “Kashmir”; downstairs in the den watching NFL RedZone; or at the dining room table savoring Rigatoni Bolognese and sipping a Valpolicella. The scientists are now exploring why women lack the “ignoring-the-screaming-child” gene and they are inviting the medical, business and political communities to suggest additional applications for its introduction, because the end behavior is so prevalent and unquestionably blissful.

Young Lawyer Cheerfully Abusing Jargon



VOL 3 Issue 4.8

Regina Wyndbagh, a first-year associate at a fairly reputable corporate law firm, has enthusiastically injected a fragment of legalese into personal conversations, according to irritated friends. “Putting celery in tuna fish – that’s tantamount to gross malpractice!” Wyndbagh exclaimed while lunching on Saturday with people who do not work in Law. Later, in a supermarket parking lot, she chirped to a friend, “Randomly shoving your shopping cart in the pen when you’re done with it—instead of neatly nesting it in the queue—is tantamount to gross malpractice!” A mutual acquaintance observed that Wyndbagh always had a passion for justice and language, and speculated that the pet phrase had been uttered by a hoary professor at law school. Taking things to the next level, the young attorney, during a sunset stroll in town on a path frequented by dog walkers, posted a photo of unscooped poop with the caption #TTGM.

Area Man Not Gonna Hike Up Pants Anymore


VOL 42 Issue 20

Rudy Stubblefield has sworn off hiking up his suit pants, chinos, jeans or shorts, it can be reported today. Absolutely fed up with continual adjusting, tugging and twisting, Stubblefield made his decision and then cursed trouser designers for failing to account for his paunch and saddlebags, as well as for their collective ruse in offering “relaxed fit” and putatively accommodating sizes. “I’m not a strangely shaped alien from Mars–I’m a typical, sedate, pudgy American,” he harrumphed, “I don’t want to be constantly pulling up my pants while I’m getting coffee at the office, hanging at Buffalo Wild Wings, or even just screwing around with my dogs in the backyard.” Stubblefield added that from now on he will no longer touch his belt–if he even wears one–and will just let the chips fall as they may. Attempts to contact his coworkers, friends and family for reaction have been unsuccessful.

Braggart’s iPhone Claim Repulses Women


Culture and Technology

VOL 90 Issue 0

After Leif Brockovich boasted that he always keeps his iPhone at least 90% charged—no, he’s never tolerated even one exception—the dashing young man found himself alone at the bar of Millenny-Yummy’s, abruptly abandoned by the three stylish, savvy women with whom he was conversing for nearly five minutes. “There’s just no way that can be—what a liar!” snorted Arianna Lively, “I just look at my phone, much less rub it, and I’m down to 83%!” “Does he not shop, snap pics, play games, fake-date or talk to people?” Bella Winter asked incredulously. “Why would you want to be so consistently charged?” Cameron Gomez added, “That’s just not a worthwhile life goal.”

Newlywed Horrified by Hubbie’s Portion Sizes



VOL 250 Issue 2

Only 11 days after her wedding, Athena Moore took stock of her husband’s eating habits. At the reception, Dion Moore had three slices of cake and five floral bouquets of icing. During their honeymoon cruise to Cancun, for one of his appetizers at the buffet he helped himself to three plates of peeled jumbo shrimp on four consecutive nights. Back at their new two-bedroom condo in Las Vegas, he ate a family-size bag of Doritos and a can of Chunky Sirloin Burger Soup (which serves 2.5 people per can according to the label), just to note a couple of examples. When they went to the Cineplex to see Beauty and the Beast, Athena could only glance peripherally at Dion’s armful. Good Lord, she thought, I had no idea I married a freaking glutton.

Man Totally Goes Off on Workplace Tooth Brushers



VOL 32 Issue 32

While stirring his three o’clock Keurig and chatting with a colleague whose name he’d forgotten, Jonas Gunnysack abruptly broke out in a big-time rant about coworkers who brush their teeth after lunch in the men’s room. With haughty dismissiveness, the low-level manager scoffed at those fastidious losers who are compelled to clean their teeth excessively. After all, everyone knows twice is more than enough—in the morning and at night—and anything more just shows you’re a mindless slave to sterility, snorted Gunnysack, who has not been promoted in 24 years. Standing there in their pressed suits, rinsing and spitting–it’s like they’re trying to prove they always toe the line, added the stagnant professional who doesn’t like data to interfere with his work product, and who lost his train of thought as he climbed back on his high horse, which waddled back down the hall.

Uptick in Cellphone Spam Boosting Nation’s Wellness

Asian woman drinking coffee in vintage color tone



A side effect of the current surge in spam calls to cellphones is a marked improvement in Americans’ sense of self-worth, according to a survey by the Contemporary Psychology Guild (CPG), which released excerpts of follow-up interviews with participants. “The recorded, disingenuous-sounding voices really value my credit card debt!” chortled Herb Chickpea, “I have been feeling pretty down and unwanted because of my dismal finances, but now I am continually reminded no matter where I go that there are many deplorable collection agencies that really want to prey on me!” “The robots tell me I have options to save real money on my utility bill,” marveled Jeannie Gracious, “I hate my cramped, dingy condo, but now I think if I buck up, I can stay and start to enjoy living here!” The CPG projects that the United States will leapfrog three or four countries on the Happiness Index, leaving it just outside the top 10—which it will enter soon if the spam plague further intensifies and engages even more citizens desperate to overcome post-modern alienation. “Even though I registered on the Do Not Call List, I am always delighted by the new numbers and locations, and the unknown caller IDs that the clever scammers use,” chuckled Alexandra Heavy, “I have a number of medical issues to deal with and my family lives far away, but I feel so bad for the live telemarketers when they awkwardly pause and then stammer through the first sentence or two of their pitches. I’m just so glad they are getting paid well to hound me for my retirement savings. If my rotator cuff wasn’t shattered, I would raise my cellphone over my head and yell, ‘what a great country we have that encourages this prevalent practice and what a great time to be alive!’”

Taliban Blow Up Cialis Tubs


World Culture


The Taliban today posted a video of their demolition of two ancient sandstone statues, the Tubs of Takhar, and vowed to continue dynamiting other idols of infidels. For centuries an obscure Silk Road tourist destination in Afghanistan, the two sculpted tubs were situated in a meadow at a cliff’s edge overlooking a lake and positioned toward the sunset. They contained languid, smiling effigies who were holding hands while respectively looking at mysterious primitive devices, considered by some experts to be precursors to iPhones. Nearly 2,000 years ago, the Tubs of Takhar symbolized to their builders a noble communion through mutual cleansing of body and spirit. In modern society, they inspired the marketers of the PDE5 inhibitor Cialis, who tastefully repurposed and popularized the tubs for humanity’s unquestionable gain. The tubs’ obliteration has reportedly alarmed archaeologists, pharmaceutical executives, and sales reps at commercial media platforms that air sports events watched by men of a certain age.

Productive, Single Woman Wakes at Ungodly Hour, Remains Productive and Single




At a superlative all-day shindig on a rooftop in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, Angelique Beaverhausen, who is single, persisted in broadcasting her yearlong practice of waking at the ungodly hour of 4:20 am. In passionate, articulate exchanges, Beaverhausen made clear that she was looking for a relationship and thoroughly enjoying the party—which celebrated the launch of a new website devoted to unmarried folks who belong to Mensa, volunteer actively, run a mile under six minutes and laugh liberally—and that she fervently advocated rising daily (including weekends) at an hour the unholiness of which can barely be quantified. By getting a leg up on the morning, Beaverhausen, who has not been on a date since 2015 but would very much like to, enthused that she has in the past 12 months enjoyed productivity that has surprised even herself. During the dark, dark hours that are so quiet and peaceful, the 24-year-old has recently been reading Zadie Smith’s complete works, teaching herself to program in Python, moderating multilingual online mentoring sessions, meditating, practicing hot yoga (who isn’t?!), building a new nyckelharpa, and indulging in some options trading. All this before power-walking to the subway and onward to the gym! Sources report that the healthy, wealthy and wise Beaverhausen left the party shortly after sundown utterly unnoticed and very much alone.

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