Asian woman drinking coffee in vintage color tone

Life

VOL 365 ISSUE 8

A side effect of the current surge in spam calls to cellphones is a marked improvement in Americans’ sense of self-worth, according to a survey by the Contemporary Psychology Guild (CPG), which released excerpts of follow-up interviews with participants. “The recorded, disingenuous-sounding voices really value my credit card debt!” chortled Herb Chickpea, “I have been feeling pretty down and unwanted because of my dismal finances, but now I am continually reminded no matter where I go that there are many deplorable collection agencies that really want to prey on me!” “The robots tell me I have options to save real money on my utility bill,” marveled Jeannie Gracious, “I hate my cramped, dingy condo, but now I think if I buck up, I can stay and start to enjoy living here!” The CPG projects that the United States will leapfrog three or four countries on the Happiness Index, leaving it just outside the top 10—which it will enter soon if the spam plague further intensifies and engages even more citizens desperate to overcome post-modern alienation. “Even though I registered on the Do Not Call List, I am always delighted by the new numbers and locations, and the unknown caller IDs that the clever scammers use,” chuckled Alexandra Heavy, “I have a number of medical issues to deal with and my family lives far away, but I feel so bad for the live telemarketers when they awkwardly pause and then stammer through the first sentence or two of their pitches. I’m just so glad they are getting paid well to hound me for my retirement savings. If my rotator cuff wasn’t shattered, I would raise my cellphone over my head and yell, ‘what a great country we have that encourages this prevalent practice and what a great time to be alive!’”

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