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Health

VOL 23 ISSUE 1

Bypassing disciplinary measures such as a warning or suspension, the American Society of Professional Chiropractors has disbarred Dr. Ralph X. Burress after he examined Lydia Lovett and found that she did not require a spinal alignment. “Got a clean bill of health from my chiro Dr. B – spine is aligned, didn’t need any treatment whatsoever!” Lovett posted on Facebook, eliciting a few cheery emoticons. After the ASPC swooped in the next day and removed all of Burress’s privileges, its president, Gladys Graves, D.C., issued a statement: “Everyone needs chiropractic care, the hallmark of which is an alignment. Just look at a spine—do you think such a ludicrous structure could possibly be OK at any given instant? All the patients whom I and all of our 41,000 members have ever seen, including adult, adolescent and infant humans, horses, dogs, dolphins and ferrets, have presented with misaligned spines and degrees of related immobility, inflexibility and aggravation. Mr. Burress’s irresponsible failure to diagnose misalignment and conduct a series of appropriately priced treatments was not just gross malpractice, it was utter stupidity. Thanks to our watchdog committee, that numbskull won’t be neglecting patients and giving chiropractors a bad name any more.” According to the ASPC, Dr. Graves will evaluate Ms. Lovett’s records for free later today, after which she will prescribe the patient’s promising, endless road to alignment and wellness.

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