VOL 21 ISSUE 25
The ex-boyfriend of Adele today announced he can be hired for a week of conjugal discord that will sear one’s soul and ultimately unleash previously unknown creativity and popularity. Sparky Murgatroyd of West Norwood said that, for every lucky person who pays his fee, he will attempt to recreate the week that he dated Adele Adkins when they were young, 16, and reasonably free. Although he ain’t a kid no more and he’s got his head in the clouds, Murgatroyd will faithfully recreate milestones from his romance with the future pop superstar, such as rolling his banger in the deep of his patron’s mash; whispering sweet aphorisms including, “Sometimes it lasts in rugby but sometimes it hurts your head”; saying things that were never true, never true; taking up with a younger girl and sorely missing the patron as rumor has it, and then leaving the patron on the other side of the pub with nothing to do but repeatedly scream Hello. After making a fool of the patron and bringing her or him down, Murgatroyd will awaken emotions and inspire new ideas guaranteed to propel the patron to the highest heights of productivity and fame, regardless of the field of desired expertise. The only caveat in the offering documents is that the patron will incorporate the abject pain of the week–when one could have had it all with Murgatroyd–throughout future work and forever wish to find someone like Murgatroyd, while wishing the best for him and his next patron.