VOL 678876 ISSUE 80!  Aging

Beloved for his recurring “Sex at 70” headlines that link to magazine profiles of vibrant, mature beauties such as Jane Fonda and Sophia Loren, Matt Drudge may have been barred from several South Florida nursing homes where he has no family or friends residing. According to sources, the dominant news aggregator, who lives in Miami and is famously private about his fantasies and fascinations, had been visiting several facilities, strumming a guitar and serenading groups with “Puff, the Magic Dragon” and other mellow folk classics. These sources report that the influential newsman had attracted a band of octogenarian groupies–pushing his own age frontier, evidently–with whom he shared and discussed glossy photos of the exquisite Susan Sarandon, which troubled administrators. The investigation is ongoing.