VOL98 ISSUE .341  Digital Media

ESPN Mobile today proudly declared itself a public utility on par with providers of power, water and sewage in the key categories of humongous number of customers, continued outages, and non-responsiveness. The business group is celebrating a breakout 2016 season in which its flagship ESPN Mobile App and up-and-comer ESPN Fantasy Football App fail repeatedly, leaving tens of millions in the lurch. “It’s time to acknowledge that we provide a critical resource for a gazillion people, with a consistent and low standard of quality,” said ESPN Mobile President Rufus Ridenhour. “It’s not easy to keep failing when we have so much in-house tech talent—but we have done so with cultivated apathy, and we have recently stifled the last meaningful response processes and correspondence designed by our customer service professionals.” The reclassification as a utility enables ESPN Mobile to officially employ seas of life-long, well-meaning bureaucrats with no power to effect improvements meaningful to someone alive today, to engender a culture of entitlement and kicking-the-can-down-the-road, and to form a new public company that pays a handsome dividend. To demonstrate its case for utility-hood, ESPN Mobile executives held up their phones and tried over and over to access their apps to no avail. “See? After three tries, I still can’t log in to see my Fantasy Football stats and scores, and I have no idea whom to call or what to do–we’re just like the electric company!” Ridenhour exclaimed. If ESPN Mobile service deteriorates even more than expected, next season the utility will apply to become a governmental agency.