VOL 221 ISSUE 556677  Domestic Turbulence

Matt Drudge, the dominant news aggregator, was seen last night naked and wielding a machete in the streets of lawless Chicagoland. Riding a motorcycle completely nude under a hat, like an apocalyptic Lady Godiva, Drudge held up a bullhorn and called for interracial or intra-racial violence and murder, according to preference. Earlier in the evening, Drudge had delivered the keynote address for a leadership summit titled “Pimples on the Ass of Progress,” after which he may have ingested flakka, the Florida zombie drug. Sources say the aggregator, who curates the news for 50 million folks each day, tauntingly boasted that he would overthrow his sworn nemesis, Rahm the Negligent, before removing his suit, unsheathing his machete, and bounding out of the hotel into the Chicagoland gloom. The same sources commented that the proceedings were surreal because Drudge’s behavior was completely out of character and yet many of the elements were strikingly familiar to those of stories he is notably fond of highlighting. The bike was found the next morning in a smoldering heap, a casualty of the rampage.