NEWS IN BRIEF August 1, 2016
VOL 122 ISSUE 7 TV
BURBANK—In preparing to shoot new installments of the proven blockbuster television show, Criminal Minds, highly accomplished actor Thomas Gibson studied cranial anatomy, with an emphasis on the musculature related to the jaw and eyebrows, and co-developed a new line of facial exercises in order to project a completely new level of grimness that reflects the content of the upcoming 12th season. “Hotch—I mean, Special Agent Aaron Hotchner,” Gibson sheepishly qualified to his dozens of adoring fans while appearing on Good Morning America, “and the team will encounter unsubs the perverse likes of which have never been seen before.” Gibson added that the show’s creative team, “…has invented permutations of depravity so messed up that, when actual murdering cannibal zombie torturer puppet masters previewed these episodes, they experienced much more than a little nausea and couldn’t finish the free popcorn.” Producers of Criminal Minds were reportedly partly inspired to further plumb the darkest depths of deviance, as typically encountered in quiet suburban communities, by the return of Special Agent Emily Prentiss this season. “Oh yeah, Pag—I mean, Paget Brewster,” Gibson explained with a wink, “is gonna bring her trademark don’t-mess-with-me gravitas, so if Hotch didn’t one-up himself in the grim department, he was gonna lose mega-screen time.” Gibson also admitted to adding to his grim regimen an exercise to suppress laughing uncontrollably at the conceit that Bartlett’s Familiar Quotations-subscribing, namby-pamby forensic psychologists, after pompously broadcasting a wholly speculative profile of a serial killer, would be continually required to lead SWAT teams in gun or alternative weapons battle in leafy neighborhoods nationwide, usually sacrificing their own personal safety to save in the nick of time a woman trapped in an unsub’s basement torture chamber—tidily introducing and disposing of a new face of sheer, unmitigated evil within network TV’s allotted 38-40 minutes of time for content apart from commercials.
Editor’s Note: This post was written days before Thomas Gibson kicked a Criminal Minds producer and was subsequently terminated from the show.