VOL 542 ISSUE 2.3   Radio

LONDON—An executive tied to BBC World News has revealed that its award-winning radio hosts–the erudite, provocative and comforting voices heard daily around the globe formerly policed by an island nation in Northern Europe–were installed not because of their journalistic achievements nor their authoritative vocal presence, but on account of their cultivated pronunciation of a single word: neuzow. “Several years ago, after wrapping up an auditory rebranding assessment, we opted to change the name of our flagship programme, “News Hour,” admitted Nigel Westminster, viceroy of BBC America, in an interview with a nosy Yankee blogger. “We launched neuzow, which is sleek and binary–quite 21st Century as it were–and, when uttered a very certain, dulcet way, encapsulates the neopostimperialism that we are chartered to promulgate.” Westminster, who descends from bankers for the East India Company and veterans of sundry British military campaigns in Africa, divulged that the BBC World News personalities, Basil Poothanthevanar, Bushra Qasim and Khadambi Mwaura, admired periodically and hazily by tens of commuting Americans for their incisive interviews, cultured banter and quintessentially English lilts, were alone among thousands of auditioned radio professionals who were able to deliver, “This is Neuzow,” in the precisely contracted, required style. Off the record, Westminster acknowledged personal delight in Americans’ complete inability to even approximate the phrase.