The Onion Dip

Humor. And Dip.

Foodie Drizzles Sriracha on Her Quinoa and then…


Work and Food

VOL 945  Issue 8

Kicking off lunch in the conference room, Gwendolyn Goodnight, a self-proclaimed trailblazing New Age gourmet, extravagantly drizzled sriracha on her bowl of quinoa, then washed down her first forkful with a sip of acai juice, and was silently viewed as a ridiculous poseur by her fellow diners. Goodnight, who always makes a big deal about pushing her palate’s limits and being in the vanguard of healthy cuisine, thought the quiet reflected her coworkers’ typical jealousy. In fact, they were all patting themselves on their toned backs for having days earlier migrated to hipper exotic grains, sauces and beverages.


Pop Music Connoisseur Can’t Wait for Next Schoolkid Chant



VOL 10  Issue 44

One astute music lover is on pins and needles as he anticipates the next pop song to feature chanting schoolchildren. “It’s gonna be any day,” said Harrison Halfbakey, an admitted fan of overused gimmicks. “But what production factory—I mean artist—will exploit—I mean showcase—the kiddies next?” This blogger saw Halfbakey’s Spotify “Kidzchoris” playlist list of dozens of songs, with tracks by Jay-Z, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Gorillaz, Nas, Passion Pit, Gucci Mane and many others. Halfbakey especially admires the lyrical content of the chants, which so often suits the youngster’s innate enthusiasm and innocence, as in the “I love cheap thrills!” bit in Sia’s “Cheap Thrills.” “’We are, we are, the youth of the nation!’ they yelled in that song by that uh, really good group, uh, P.O.D.,” said Halfbakey. “I mean, that is so true and brilliant. How can you argue with it? I mean, they are.” When this blogger noted that he didn’t see Pink Floyd on the playlist, Halfbakey said he’d never listened to him, ending a line of questioning about the origin of his appreciation and study of the chants, and therefore the interview. “Don’t forget that, uh, excellent song by that, um, awesome band The Pretty Reckless where they have kids yell, ‘Oh Lord, heaven knows, we belong way down below,’”added Halfbakey, as this blogger departed. “That sums it up right there.”

Perfect: Patent-Pending Patent Pending


Business and Law

VOL 16 Issue 1616

An ingenious product that perfects the process for patent pending is awaiting issue, according to a pod of patient, independent purveyors. Surprisingly neither filed by Google nor Apple, the patent application describes an innovative and elegantly engineered pending mechanism that is optimally practical. While the patent pends appropriately, the prototype appends a unique, virtual identifier “not unlike a beautiful, bar-coded tassel.” When pressed for comment, Peter Peyper, the product’s progenitor, proffered, “We help patents do even better what they do best—pend.”

Gazebo Timeshares Skyrocket as Exclusive Gateway to Unused Posh Spaces



VOL 1815 Issue 0

An untapped network of luxury sheltered spaces is being exuberantly marketed through “Your Gazebos Everywhere!”, a new addition to the highly legitimate, rock-solid timeshare industry. Entrepreneur Jaki Shah says she got the idea for YGE! while driving past a vacant gazebo nestled in a pasture on a horse farm in the Connecticut Berkshires. “Right then I realized in my entire life I’ve never seen a gazebo in use—never ever!” said Shah. “They’re always in parks, expansive and manicured backyards, or gorgeous bucolic settings–always!” The licensed realtor then researched gazebos, which are vestiges of a nineteenth-century collective American dream of Arcadia made manifest in one’s backyard, and found a little-known law that grants fair public use of open-air, round or octagonal structures that have been well-maintained but unoccupied for at least 50 years. Shah then founded YGE!, which allows individuals to buy, sell, resell and trade reserved slots at gazebos in many pastoral or waterside locales. “Gazebos are not just prime real estate that people identify with the good life, they’re a virtually natural resource just crying out to be exploited!” shouted Shah, who tends to shout. With millions of dollars already invested in YGE! contracts that are certainly guaranteed to appreciate exponentially, Shah will appear next week on Shark Tank, the fine, tasteful show about business ideas, in hopes of attracting more funding so she can expand her network throughout North America and the world where, indeed, gazebos sit appealingly empty in plain sight. She also plans to add pergolas and pavilions to the YGE! portfolio before competitors take hold. Privately, Shah said her fear about the upcoming TV appearance is that one of the understated, calm Shark Tank judges will ask her how buyers would use their gazebos, because she has no idea, even though they are sold every day by The Home Depot, Lowes and many other fine retailers.


Easiest Photo Caption Contest Ever



Evil Genius Messing with Your Bills

Woman looking at Utility bills

Customer Service

VOL . Issue ..

The evil genius behind the bills from virtually all the leading bloodsuckers credit card companies is launching a series of new designs that shrink the name of the entity to whom a check must be addressed, and place that text right on the poorly perforated fold of the account statement. The size of the font of “Make checks payable to” and the organization’s name will decrease from an irritatingly puny 6 to an outrageously teeny 2, making this information illegible to humans without magnifying glasses. By tweaking the layout and the printer interface, the evil genius has gotten that same snippet of text to print squarely on the fold, so that when the well-meaning bill payer tears along the perforation, the information is obliterated or massively compromised. The corporate aims behind the evil genius’s efforts are unclear, since one might think it fairly important to the biller to make it pretty goddamn easy for a customer to promptly remit a payment to “Card Services” or whoever the correct goddamn entity is. One blogger speculated that the newly confounding designs are part of a strategy to shame the poor saps who still write and mail paper checks and to not so subtly persuade them to convert to the automated soul extraction of electronic payment.

“Cleaning Up Before the Cleaning Lady” Entrepreneur Mopping Up



VOL 4 Issue 30

YouTube darling Tiffany Spottie has signed a deal to bring her “Presto PreCleaning” show to HGTV, it can be announced. In 2016 Spottie was just another single, working mom who frantically struggled every two weeks–spending as much as four hours—to get her home reasonably ready to be cleaned by a professional service. She began publishing short videos that offered tips on PreCleaning and introduced topics including “the 5-minute room rule,” “wiping up without killing yourself,” “your kids should be staging their toys,” and “what you can pile behind the bedroom door.” In six months, Spottie attracted three million followers, many of them enamored of her perky, confident pragmatism suggestive of Rachael Ray, as well as her noteworthy décolletage and wondrous practice of the mundane, such as squeezing a sponge in the manner that Giada De Laurentiis ecstatically pours olive oil. “Tiffany is positively filling a need that applies to virtually all American households,” HGTV programming executive Lonnie Reynolds said. “I’ve been going nuts for years prepping for my cleaning lady—I should have done this show myself!”

Actor Stays in Character for Subway Candid



VOL 8 Issue 137

One of the finest thespians of his generation recently resisted the urge to lambaste then blow away an amoral wannabe paparazzo while riding the 6 train on the New York City subway. Instead, the adept chameleon with a golden baritone remained in his character for the new Netflix drama, “Schlubs Unleashed”—an unflinching response to the feel-good exceptionalism of the quite popular “Humans of New York” book and blog—in which he plays a complacent, debt-crushed professional who contemplates every day the manifold ways in which the City shows him its utter indifference to an individual’s dignity and comfort. As the phone-wielder snickered and forwarded the pic to the New York Post in hopes of capitalizing on another’s inconvenience and apparent boredom, the performer masterfully propped his head and silently went over a line by the screenwriter team, “The City doesn’t care if I am here or not, if I am someone or nobody. Maybe I should move up to the front car and look up the tracks and into the future. Nah, I’ll just keep sitting here.”

Larry Lobster Meets one of his Heroes



VOL 14 Issue 18

A Bahamas lobster named Larry was patrolling his neighborhood when he bumped into Tiger Woods, the human who was once of the world’s best golfers. “At first, I didn’t recognize him because of the gloves and booties,” said Larry. “When I realized it was Tiger, I invited him up to my deck for a piña colada and it was on.” Larry posted a picture on Twitter with the caption, “Nothing like sunbathing with my bro at Albany.” Lobster media around the world voraciously redistributed the message while labeling it a humble brag because Larry clearly wanted to show off not his low brush with fame but his sculpted, golden exoskeleton.

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