VOL 66 Issue 1
The average American has seen in her/his lifetime 27 single pedestrians walking on desolate highway shoulders and has no clue where they were headed, according to a ground-breaking study. That will change tomorrow when social scientists reveal the pedestrians in fact share a common destination. “We are the first to grok this population of lonesome-seeming ciphers trudging literally on the margins,” said the study’s leader, Dr. Violet Hugo in a statement. “While we all periodically see these men—99.2% of them are men—with minimal or no baggage and miles from an abandoned vehicle, exit ramp or apparent end-goal, we simply keep on trucking without connecting to them or recognizing their motivation.” Based on satellite imagery, advanced GPS tracking, Fitbits and good old-fashioned clinical interviews over 20 years, Hugo’s team discovered that the enigmatic, solitary walkers have always had the same quest and been propelled by the same urge. This blogger is now on the way to cover Dr. Hugo’s press conference tomorrow by the airport, although his younger brother wrecked the car, he doesn’t particularly want to spring for Uber or a car service, he wants to break in his new pair of sneakers, and he doesn’t want EZ Pass reporting his whereabouts to The Man.