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The Onion Dip

Humor. And Dip.

One Millionth Pee Announcement Signals Demise of Modern Man

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Life

VOL 4 Issue 17

When Matt Drudge ended a rare radio appearance yesterday with the sign-off, “Now, I’ve gotta go pee,” it was the one millionth such public announcement tracked by Manhood Recaptured, a think tank devoted to “reversing the decline and fall of modern man.” The well-funded organization had one month ago launched a software solution that scrapes public news and video feeds, online forums, and social media channels, and logs any utterances about imminent urination. “Manliness is no more!” moaned Bjorn Pearce, a social psychology researcher, at a Manhood Recaptured press conference. “When a grown man, an adult man, a real man, tells a large group of people, which probably includes women, that he is going to pee, he is really crying out, ‘I’ve gotta go pee, Mommy!’” The think tank has controversially claimed that the pee meme equates to self-imposed infantilization and castration. “One million pee-pee’s can’t be wrong,” Pearce said, “We clearly inhabit a sad, decadent era in which half the population has discarded its identity.” He then exited the room with an apparent sense of urgency.

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Dialing-By-Name Directory Still Making Area Woman Feel Stupid

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Technology

VOL 10 Issue 10

As her finger wavered over the virtual keyboard, Marnie Block realized she has her whole adult life struggled to spell a person’s last name first, followed by the pound sign, even if only the first three letters are required, and even if you don’t need to hit the pound sign. Despite testing negatively for dyslexia on multiple occasions, the intelligent Block struggles for painful, dumbfounding bouts lasting dozens of seconds when attempting to progress through a last name, leading to acute anger and frustration akin to road rage, every single day at work, where she is required to call people and address their petty grievances as she sips a latte and reads The New Yorker. Maybe it’s the 0 key that’s throwing her off, or the fact that 1 doesn’t have any letters, or that 7 and 9 have four letters and not 3. Someday, Block muses, she will get to the root cause of this ludicrous problem and spell correctly and promptly, rather than passively assume she will organically get better at dialing by name as the years go by. Until then, she will masochistically continue to hunt and peck rather than use the option to speak the person’s name, which involves a smug, robotic voice that talks as you talk and often misdirects you to the wrong person, all while learning from its mistakes and improving its performance, and advancing productivity everywhere.

Lovett Basher Girds Loins for Imaginary Battle with Texan’s Collaborators

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Online Gaming

VOL 14  Issue 25

Against significant odds, an extreme hater of Lyle Lovett is preparing for a virtual confrontation with an army of artists who have performed duets with the singer/songwriter. Garth Head, who absolutely loathes the high-haired Texan’s music, voice, style and popularity, is completing development of an online game in which he will battle and vanquish a crooning horde that includes Al Green, Tammy Wynette, Sheryl Crow, Ricky Lee Jones, Randy Newman, Vince Gill, John Hiatt, Emmylou Harris, Francine Reed, Nanci Griffith, Kat Edmondson, Pat Green and k.d. lang. “Those people were all hornswoggled—Lyle Lovett is the worst,” Head harrumphed maniacally. “I will demonstrate once and for all that they have no taste and I will bring them to my side, the side of all things good and true and truly musically good and definitely not Lovetty.”

Grammarians Seek to Ban Lionel Richie Hit

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Language and Music

VOL 442  Issue 78

Outraged by a seemingly innocuous, mellifluously sung question, a cadre of activist grammarians seeks to ban the Lionel Richie song “Hello” from public airwaves, streaming services, and even from personal usage. The angry parsers are evidently incensed by the admittedly awkward-sounding line, “Hello, is it me you’re looking for?” An anonymous member of the group, which is trolling Richie fans and haphazardly lobbying many well-spoken government officials, issued a statement that said in part, “That lyric is wrong on so many levels, its iteration threatens the integrity of the English language.” At post time, it is not clear if any of the guerrilla grammarians are aware that the song was released and reached the top of the charts in 1984.

Area Man Finally Reveals Why He Looks Tired

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Life

VOL 51 Issue 365

Despite six years of periodic observations from his mother that he looks tired and the follow-up half-question why is that, Forrest Kornheiser maintained a steely, dignified silence about the issue. That all changed during a seemingly routine eye exam when the optometrist asked, “So you have allergies?” Kornheiser replied, “No, why?” and she said, “Puffy eyes,” prompting him to explain with barely controlled fury that, as a father of three preteens who works full time and commutes an hour and a half each way, he has every right to look tired because he is tired all day and all night, which he doesn’t ever sleep through, and he has been tired for years and very likely will be tired for years to come until his children have grown and moved out and he has stopped working and humping all around Pennsylvania to make quota, although at that point it won’t matter anymore and, by the way, everyone he knows is also totally beat to hell and Doc, your face has FATIGUE written all over it, too. As the optometrist smiled and said see you next year, Kornheiser started the countdown to the next FaceTime chat with his mother.

Foodie Drizzles Sriracha on Her Quinoa and then…

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Work and Food

VOL 945  Issue 8

Kicking off lunch in the conference room, Gwendolyn Goodnight, a self-proclaimed trailblazing New Age gourmet, extravagantly drizzled sriracha on her bowl of quinoa, then washed down her first forkful with a sip of acai juice, and was silently viewed as a ridiculous poseur by her fellow diners. Goodnight, who always makes a big deal about pushing her palate’s limits and being in the vanguard of healthy cuisine, thought the quiet reflected her coworkers’ typical jealousy. In fact, they were all patting themselves on their toned backs for having days earlier migrated to hipper exotic grains, sauces and beverages.

Pop Music Connoisseur Can’t Wait for Next Schoolkid Chant

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Entertainment

VOL 10  Issue 44

One astute music lover is on pins and needles as he anticipates the next pop song to feature chanting schoolchildren. “It’s gonna be any day,” said Harrison Halfbakey, an admitted fan of overused gimmicks. “But what production factory—I mean artist—will exploit—I mean showcase—the kiddies next?” This blogger saw Halfbakey’s Spotify “Kidzchoris” playlist list of dozens of songs, with tracks by Jay-Z, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Gorillaz, Nas, Passion Pit, Gucci Mane and many others. Halfbakey especially admires the lyrical content of the chants, which so often suits the youngster’s innate enthusiasm and innocence, as in the “I love cheap thrills!” bit in Sia’s “Cheap Thrills.” “’We are, we are, the youth of the nation!’ they yelled in that song by that uh, really good group, uh, P.O.D.,” said Halfbakey. “I mean, that is so true and brilliant. How can you argue with it? I mean, they are.” When this blogger noted that he didn’t see Pink Floyd on the playlist, Halfbakey said he’d never listened to him, ending a line of questioning about the origin of his appreciation and study of the chants, and therefore the interview. “Don’t forget that, uh, excellent song by that, um, awesome band The Pretty Reckless where they have kids yell, ‘Oh Lord, heaven knows, we belong way down below,’”added Halfbakey, as this blogger departed. “That sums it up right there.”

Perfect: Patent-Pending Patent Pending

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Business and Law

VOL 16 Issue 1616

An ingenious product that perfects the process for patent pending is awaiting issue, according to a pod of patient, independent purveyors. Surprisingly neither filed by Google nor Apple, the patent application describes an innovative and elegantly engineered pending mechanism that is optimally practical. While the patent pends appropriately, the prototype appends a unique, virtual identifier “not unlike a beautiful, bar-coded tassel.” When pressed for comment, Peter Peyper, the product’s progenitor, proffered, “We help patents do even better what they do best—pend.”

Gazebo Timeshares Skyrocket as Exclusive Gateway to Unused Posh Spaces

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Business

VOL 1815 Issue 0

An untapped network of luxury sheltered spaces is being exuberantly marketed through “Your Gazebos Everywhere!”, a new addition to the highly legitimate, rock-solid timeshare industry. Entrepreneur Jaki Shah says she got the idea for YGE! while driving past a vacant gazebo nestled in a pasture on a horse farm in the Connecticut Berkshires. “Right then I realized in my entire life I’ve never seen a gazebo in use—never ever!” said Shah. “They’re always in parks, expansive and manicured backyards, or gorgeous bucolic settings–always!” The licensed realtor then researched gazebos, which are vestiges of a nineteenth-century collective American dream of Arcadia made manifest in one’s backyard, and found a little-known law that grants fair public use of open-air, round or octagonal structures that have been well-maintained but unoccupied for at least 50 years. Shah then founded YGE!, which allows individuals to buy, sell, resell and trade reserved slots at gazebos in many pastoral or waterside locales. “Gazebos are not just prime real estate that people identify with the good life, they’re a virtually natural resource just crying out to be exploited!” shouted Shah, who tends to shout. With millions of dollars already invested in YGE! contracts that are certainly guaranteed to appreciate exponentially, Shah will appear next week on Shark Tank, the fine, tasteful show about business ideas, in hopes of attracting more funding so she can expand her network throughout North America and the world where, indeed, gazebos sit appealingly empty in plain sight. She also plans to add pergolas and pavilions to the YGE! portfolio before competitors take hold. Privately, Shah said her fear about the upcoming TV appearance is that one of the understated, calm Shark Tank judges will ask her how buyers would use their gazebos, because she has no idea, even though they are sold every day by The Home Depot, Lowes and many other fine retailers.

 

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