VOL 42 Issue 20
Rudy Stubblefield has sworn off hiking up his suit pants, chinos, jeans or shorts, it can be reported today. Absolutely fed up with continual adjusting, tugging and twisting, Stubblefield made his decision and then cursed trouser designers for failing to account for his paunch and saddlebags, as well as for their collective ruse in offering “relaxed fit” and putatively accommodating sizes. “I’m not a strangely shaped alien from Mars–I’m a typical, sedate, pudgy American,” he snorted, “I don’t want to be constantly pulling up my pants while I’m getting coffee at the office, hanging at Buffalo Wild Wings, or even just screwing around with my dogs in the backyard.” Stubblefield added that from now on he will no longer touch his belt–if he even wears one–and will just let the chips fall as they may. Attempts to contact his coworkers, friends and family for reaction have been unsuccessful.