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The Onion Dip

Humor. And Dip.

Teen’s Geezer Rock Disappoints Geezer

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Rock ‘n’ Roll

VOL 19 Issue 51

At a recent holiday gathering, the father of a college freshman asked her friend what kind of music he “was digging these days.” The young man, who was not big on eye contact, said he liked, “you know, Rock.” As he followed up with “what groups?” the silver-tufted father anticipated a list of strange names that he might research so he could sample tracks of the New Alternative Whatever and get up to speed musically while hauling ass down Route 67 to the office. Instead, the young man, who was not big on enunciation, replied that he liked the great, old groups like, you know, Led Zeppelin, AC/DC and Black Sabbath. “Holy crap, Black Sabbath?!” the father snorted, “they were already geezers when I was a kid!” Let down and disgusted by today’s youth, he trudged to the cooler for a Bud Light and yelled back over his shoulder, “Their bass player was even named Geezer!”

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Creaky-Back-Man Attains Fully Upright Stance in Only 8 Steps

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Health and Wellness

VOL 45 Issue 24

Before today, it took creaky-back-man Humphrey Mixx ten steps after exiting his office chair to achieve a completely upright posture—by his company’s fax machine relic. Now, thanks to the revolutionary “Bettah Bak” stretches that he invented, the 45-year-old Mixx, who was once quite athletic, gingerly swivels, stiffly dismounts, crouches, stoops, shuffles and stands tall after only 8 steps—by the Keurig machine. According to Mixx, all you creaky-back-men can see 20% improvement in just one day through his Bettah Back stretches, so email him to schedule a modestly priced consultation, provided your office is on the second floor in the East wing.

Vocalization Rights Still Available for Winter Storm Weep-Wow-Wowwww

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Weather and Media

VOL 2018 Issue 2-3

For a modest fee, Weather Channel will insert your vocalization of “Weep-Wow-Wowwww,” the name of the nor’easter scheduled to alarm and disrupt millions of Americans Monday and Tuesday, into its alarming and disruptive reports. Whenever a live or recorded Weather Channel meteorologist or fearmonger utters the nasty winter storm’s trademarked name, Weep-Wow-Wowwww, Weather Channel technology will seamlessly overdub an audio file of the purchaser’s pronunciation. “It’s a unique way to add your voice to the hysteria,” said Weather Channel Advertising Director and Sound Engineer Hugo Muchomas. With Weep-Wow-Wowwww expected to dump a devastating 2-3” of snow during the morning rush hour in many parts of the Northeastern sprawl, totally incapacitating a sizable chunk of the world’s citizens, Muchomas predicts 2-3 million plays of your rendition of the three distinctive syllables on its highly trafficked and cluttered web and TV properties.

 

Winter Storm Weep-Wow Shuts Down Northeast as 0” of Snow Piles Up

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Weather

VOL 2018 Issue 0

With schools, government buildings and most businesses shuttered throughout the Northeast, Winter Storm Weep-Wow continues to live up to its formidable hype. By 11:50 am Eastern Time, Weep-Wow has for hours pounded the coast and interior lands with winds and heavy precipitation so typical of a nasty March nor’easter, with 0” of snow amassed on even the puniest side streets of New Jersey, which declared a state of emergency at 8:00 pm last night. Contacting residents about their plans to dig out and cope the rest of the day is proving to be no problem, because there are no power or telecommunications outages due to Weep-Wow. The Weather Channel has announced to advertisers it is working on another developing nor’easter planned to hit the East Coast early next week, tentatively named Weep-Wow-Wowwww.

 

Jennifer Lawrence PR Delights Area Woman with its Latest Revelations and Parallels with Her Own Insignificant Life

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Media and Celebrity

VOL 2018 Issue 4

The JLaw publicity machine has delivered a new chapter that provides two weeks of endearing enrichment in advance of the opening of Red Sparrow, as far as Hyacinth Ringworm is concerned. “The recent nugget about Jen having dropped out of middle school and self-educating was so interesting,” Ringworm chortled at this blogger. “And it’s exactly like when I transferred from Ball State to SUNY Cortland and had to totally change my focus and really encourage myself and lift myself up toward my goal.” Ringworm recalled the tidbit in September 2017 in which the actress divulged that she disappointed her then-boyfriend Darren Aronofsky with her infatuation with the Kardashians. “I had a main squeeze who made me watch Aronofsky’s movies Requiem for a Dream and The Fountain and he was so disappointed that I hated them, so I could completely relate to Jen at the time,” Ringworm explained. Although she recognizes that Lawrence’s serialized revelations over the years are concocted and choreographed by a high-paid team of savvy public relations professionals, Ringworm relishes their contribution to a greater narrative and looks forward to their future resonance with her puny existence: “I’m brash and opinionated about politics and just about everything else just like Jen, so whatever she and her PR team come up with to sell tickets to the next movie, which I probably won’t see anyways, it will be something I identify with.” Ringworm, who has not acted, had her iCloud photo archive hacked, been subjected to a humiliating audition or body shamed (professionally), or been accused of an affair with a co-star, added that she is roughly the same age as Lawrence and believes they will both get married and have a child around the same time.

Area Woman Dreads the Impending Florida Orange Freeze

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Agriculture

VOL 27 Issue 32

Any day now a frost will devastate Florida’s orange groves, Nikki Hogshead knows, and her annual anxiety is spiking accordingly. An avid consumer of oranges and grapefruits and their associated products, juices and juice products, Hogshead has for decades observed that an unnatural cold spell, perhaps as extreme as a Deep Freeze or Big Chill, inevitably hits the Sunshine State this time of year, wiping out gazillions of citrus fruits. She has further noted that the related news coverage comes with images of icicles dangling from oranges, statistics about the negative economic impact on Florida, and grave commentary that, due to reduced supply, significantly higher prices for oranges and grapefruits are understandably warranted. At press time, Hogshead has failed to persuade any of her friends to accept her prediction and quietly start hoarding oranges.

Classic Rocker: I Never Called Steve Miller The Gangster of Love

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Music

VOL 73 Issue 1

Over-the-hill classic rock aficionado Turner Bachman has adamantly denied ever calling Steve Miller The Gangster of Love or Space Cowboy. “What is Steve talking about? I never called him those crazy names–and my people didn’t either! Why would we?” Bachman erupted at his steering wheel while idling on the New Jersey Turnpike one afternoon rush hour. “And I definitely didn’t call him Maurice,” he muttered, “because if I had, I would have remembered that.”

On Her Way to Major Medical Procedure, Woman Sweats Over Penmanship

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Health

VOL 26 Issue 2

As Fran Chin was driven to the world-class academic medical center, she couldn’t stop worrying about her handwriting. Although the laser-assisted robotic surgery entailed significant risks, Chin didn’t give them one thought. Instead, she kept doubting that she would be able to complete the pages and pages of forms pushed at her by the state-of-the-art healthcare facility. Chin wasn’t sure if she could be a model patient at admittance—clearly filling out the critical personal, family, medical, legal, insurance and administrative information that would be read carefully and typed unerringly into various, unintegrated software systems and databases, and scanned and filed by many employees of the next-generation healthcare center. Her concern wasn’t health-related—her hand and fingers were fine—it had simply been years since she had written a lot. Chin mused about the ultramodern procedure and technology’s impact on medicine and life, as she recalled that the only other time in her adult life that she had manually filled out so many forms, apart from her previous medical procedures, was when she registered her children for school.

Shockingly Refreshing: Taser to Buy Keurig to Buy Dr Pepper

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Nutrition

VOL 300 Issue 3

Axon, the maker of Taser, announced it will acquire JAB Holding, the maker of Keurig, the day after the coffee company announced it will acquire Dr Pepper Snapple. The piggyback purchase “may not seem intuitive at first, but it makes a lot of freakin sense when you think about expanding our arsenal of good vibrations, and accelerating the delivery of satisfaction,” said an armed, fierce Axon spokesperson. After embracing a future of office and home dispensers conveniently spitting and hissing a wide range of hot and cold crapola, Wall Street investors have gone absolutely hog-wild envisioning zapping themselves and each other with Diet 7 Up and Vermont Country Blend.

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