VOL 77 Issue 21
“I didn’t know they sell vinyl at The Dollar Store,” Topher Tucker sneered in the Gigantes’ kitchen, sparking a violent backsplash backlash. Like a malevolent Greek deity, Tucker has always sowed the seeds of discord. It is unclear why he has begun targeting backsplashes, but the early results indicate the subject is sensitive. “Splattered backsplash, splattered mind,” Tucker snorted enigmatically to most of the guests of Deirdre Hood, prompting the hostess’s crying jag and Tucker’s ejection by a former Marine. Yesterday, at the housewarming party for the Fozzie family, Tucker’s comment that, as evidenced by the backsplash, whoever did their kitchen was skimping, drinking, hallucinating or all three, started a brawl that spilled out into the cul-de-sac. As the police arrived, Tucker exited in the shadows, chuckling.