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The Onion Dip

Humor. And Dip.

Serial Insulter Targeting Backsplashes

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Interior Design

VOL 77 Issue 21

“I didn’t know they sell vinyl at The Dollar Store,” Topher Tucker sneered in the Gigantes’ kitchen, sparking a violent backsplash backlash. Like a malevolent Greek deity, Tucker has always sowed the seeds of discord. It is unclear why he has begun targeting backsplashes, but the early results indicate the subject is sensitive. “Splattered backsplash, splattered mind,” Tucker snorted enigmatically to most of the guests of Deirdre Hood, prompting the hostess’s crying jag and Tucker’s ejection by a former Marine. Yesterday, at the housewarming party for the Fozzie family, Tucker’s comment that, as evidenced by the backsplash, whoever did their kitchen was skimping, drinking, hallucinating or all three, started a brawl that spilled out into the cul-de-sac. As the police arrived, Tucker exited in the shadows, chuckling.

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Area Woman Officially Transitioning from Urban Outfitters to Anthropologie

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Fashion

VOL 25 Issue 32

After resisting the metamorphosis known to millions of American women, Tamara Doodle has been transporting most of her Urban Outfitters wardrobe to a consignment store and replacing it with Anthropologie which, she admits, ironically can have a consignment feel. Doodle is already performing drawer reassignment in her bedroom, she has privately let on to a few of her closest confidantes, and she is on a diet of mid-market chardonnay. Steadily employed for three years, Doodle has vowed to remain forever cheeky despite the transition, even as she acknowledges she is significantly less edgy and much more whimsical.

Left Out of “30 Under 30” and “40 Under 40” Business All Stars, Area Man Sets Sights on “90 Under 90”

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Business and Psychology

VOL 110 Issue 110

Mysteriously excluded once again from his industry’s widely read and accepted 40 Under 40 celebration of very successful techie innovators, Sterling Krapp briefly licked his wounds and recalled that the 30 Under 30 collections of precocious entrepreneurial movers and shakers from his previous profession had also omitted him. Krapp has sensibly readjusted his expectations as he awaits his rightful entry into an age-limited pantheon of greatness. In light of his obscure achievements and modest network of friendly colleagues who would naturally nominate him for an award, any “50 Under 50” or “60 Under 60” assemblies are not looking good for Krapp. If his laziness and solipsism increase with senescence as expected, “70 Under 70” and “80 Under 80” are possible, but still long shots. Krapp doesn’t want to live to 100, so his recognition in “90 Under 90” is desirable and bankable and calling to him so strongly, he can almost taste it.

Despite Appearances, Beliefs and Actions, School District Superintendent is a Super Guy

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Education

VOL 175,000 Issue 1

Even though Dr. Adam Axdropp earns an obnoxious salary untethered to the compensation of rank-and-file school district teachers and employees, it should be noted that he carefully listens to his grandchildren’s daily narratives and does a great Sean Connery impression. While it is true that Dr. Axdropp (who cuts an outdated, tightly wound, privileged, patrician figure in his suburban banker’s suit and tie at each school board meeting) imported several incompetent rubber-stampers from his previous school district rather than retain qualified, homegrown administrators, it is also true that he dotes on his wife of 42 years, Penny, and regularly cooks lasagna for a local food pantry. Although Dr. Axdropp much prefers to talk about arming several new school resource officers rather than hiring one additional special education teacher, it should not be overlooked that he recently donated a kayak and canoe to a boating club, where he gives free lessons. And yes, Dr. Axdropp thinks that closing elementary schools to consolidate and build one sterile institution way out in the hinterlands, with no regard for educational values or community impact, is something to proudly champion so long as you merely pay lip service to Efficiency, but he also juggles and rides a unicycle, plays trombone in a brass band that performs at senior citizen facilities, and laughs heartily with you, not at you.

Teen’s Geezer Rock Disappoints Geezer

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Rock ‘n’ Roll

VOL 19 Issue 51

At a recent holiday gathering, the father of a college freshman asked her friend what kind of music he “was digging these days.” The young man, who was not big on eye contact, said he liked, “you know, Rock.” As he followed up with “what groups?” the silver-tufted father anticipated a list of strange names that he might research so he could sample tracks of the New Alternative Whatever and get up to speed musically while hauling ass down Route 67 to the office. Instead, the young man, who was not big on enunciation, replied that he liked the great, old groups like, you know, Led Zeppelin, AC/DC and Black Sabbath. “Holy crap, Black Sabbath?!” the father snorted, “they were already geezers when I was a kid!” Let down and disgusted by today’s youth, he trudged to the cooler for a Bud Light and yelled back over his shoulder, “Their bass player was even named Geezer!”

Creaky-Back-Man Attains Fully Upright Stance in Only 8 Steps

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Health and Wellness

VOL 45 Issue 24

Before today, it took creaky-back-man Humphrey Mixx ten steps after exiting his office chair to achieve a completely upright posture—by his company’s fax machine relic. Now, thanks to the revolutionary “Bettah Bak” stretches that he invented, the 45-year-old Mixx, who was once quite athletic, gingerly swivels, stiffly dismounts, crouches, stoops, shuffles and stands tall after only 8 steps—by the Keurig machine. According to Mixx, all you creaky-back-men can see 20% improvement in just one day through his Bettah Back stretches, so email him to schedule a modestly priced consultation, provided your office is on the second floor in the East wing.

Vocalization Rights Still Available for Winter Storm Weep-Wow-Wowwww

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Weather and Media

VOL 2018 Issue 2-3

For a modest fee, Weather Channel will insert your vocalization of “Weep-Wow-Wowwww,” the name of the nor’easter scheduled to alarm and disrupt millions of Americans Monday and Tuesday, into its alarming and disruptive reports. Whenever a live or recorded Weather Channel meteorologist or fearmonger utters the nasty winter storm’s trademarked name, Weep-Wow-Wowwww, Weather Channel technology will seamlessly overdub an audio file of the purchaser’s pronunciation. “It’s a unique way to add your voice to the hysteria,” said Weather Channel Advertising Director and Sound Engineer Hugo Muchomas. With Weep-Wow-Wowwww expected to dump a devastating 2-3” of snow during the morning rush hour in many parts of the Northeastern sprawl, totally incapacitating a sizable chunk of the world’s citizens, Muchomas predicts 2-3 million plays of your rendition of the three distinctive syllables on its highly trafficked and cluttered web and TV properties.

 

Winter Storm Weep-Wow Shuts Down Northeast as 0” of Snow Piles Up

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Weather

VOL 2018 Issue 0

With schools, government buildings and most businesses shuttered throughout the Northeast, Winter Storm Weep-Wow continues to live up to its formidable hype. By 11:50 am Eastern Time, Weep-Wow has for hours pounded the coast and interior lands with winds and heavy precipitation so typical of a nasty March nor’easter, with 0” of snow amassed on even the puniest side streets of New Jersey, which declared a state of emergency at 8:00 pm last night. Contacting residents about their plans to dig out and cope the rest of the day is proving to be no problem, because there are no power or telecommunications outages due to Weep-Wow. The Weather Channel has announced to advertisers it is working on another developing nor’easter planned to hit the East Coast early next week, tentatively named Weep-Wow-Wowwww.

 

Jennifer Lawrence PR Delights Area Woman with its Latest Revelations and Parallels with Her Own Insignificant Life

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Media and Celebrity

VOL 2018 Issue 4

The JLaw publicity machine has delivered a new chapter that provides two weeks of endearing enrichment in advance of the opening of Red Sparrow, as far as Hyacinth Ringworm is concerned. “The recent nugget about Jen having dropped out of middle school and self-educating was so interesting,” Ringworm chortled at this blogger. “And it’s exactly like when I transferred from Ball State to SUNY Cortland and had to totally change my focus and really encourage myself and lift myself up toward my goal.” Ringworm recalled the tidbit in September 2017 in which the actress divulged that she disappointed her then-boyfriend Darren Aronofsky with her infatuation with the Kardashians. “I had a main squeeze who made me watch Aronofsky’s movies Requiem for a Dream and The Fountain and he was so disappointed that I hated them, so I could completely relate to Jen at the time,” Ringworm explained. Although she recognizes that Lawrence’s serialized revelations over the years are concocted and choreographed by a high-paid team of savvy public relations professionals, Ringworm relishes their contribution to a greater narrative and looks forward to their future resonance with her puny existence: “I’m brash and opinionated about politics and just about everything else just like Jen, so whatever she and her PR team come up with to sell tickets to the next movie, which I probably won’t see anyways, it will be something I identify with.” Ringworm, who has not acted, had her iCloud photo archive hacked, been subjected to a humiliating audition or body shamed (professionally), or been accused of an affair with a co-star, added that she is roughly the same age as Lawrence and believes they will both get married and have a child around the same time.

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