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The Onion Dip

Humor. And Dip.

Actor Stays in Character for Subway Candid

Giamatti

Celebrities

VOL 8 Issue 137

One of the finest thespians of his generation recently resisted the urge to lambaste then blow away an amoral wannabe paparazzo while riding the 6 train on the New York City subway. Instead, the adept chameleon with a golden baritone remained in his character for the new Netflix drama, “Schlubs Unleashed”—an unflinching response to the feel-good exceptionalism of the quite popular “Humans of New York” book and blog—in which he plays a complacent, debt-crushed professional who contemplates every day the manifold ways in which the City shows him its utter indifference to an individual’s dignity and comfort. As the phone-wielder snickered and forwarded the pic to the New York Post in hopes of capitalizing on another’s inconvenience and apparent boredom, the performer masterfully propped his head and silently went over a line by the screenwriter team, “The City doesn’t care if I am here or not, if I am someone or nobody. Maybe I should move up to the front car and look up the tracks and into the future. Nah, I’ll just keep sitting here.”

Larry Lobster Meets one of his Heroes

tigerwoods

Travel

VOL 14 Issue 18

A Bahamas lobster named Larry was patrolling his neighborhood when he bumped into Tiger Woods, the human who was once of the world’s best golfers. “At first, I didn’t recognize him because of the gloves and booties,” said Larry. “When I realized it was Tiger, I invited him up to my deck for a piña colada and it was on.” Larry posted a picture on Twitter with the caption, “Nothing like sunbathing with my bro at Albany.” Lobster media around the world voraciously redistributed the message while labeling it a humble brag because Larry clearly wanted to show off not his low brush with fame but his sculpted, golden exoskeleton.

Area Man Still Perfecting His “What the Hell is Going on Here?”

biff-tannen-what-the-hell-is-going-on-here

Life

VOL 50 Issue 365

Even though he is a very formidable authority figure, Ralph Bunker says he is still calibrating his delivery of “What the hell is going on here?” The admission comes after returning with his wife from an overnight trip to the Hudson Valley, to find his house in disarray and a group of sketchy teenagers, three of whom were his children, engaged in numerous shades of irresponsibility in the backyard. An already imposing father can’t be satisfied with his booming, demanding utterance of the stock question, according to Bunker, he has to keep perfecting his timbre and timing, along with the accompanying glare, in order to achieve the desired results—imprecisely defined though they might be. After unpacking and watching the teenagers disperse, Bunker practiced in front of a mirror before heading downstairs to confront the next instance of filial non-compliance.

Management Guru Reveals Two-Word Secret Sauce for CEO’s

Protagoras v. Abdera / Gem.v.J.de Ribera - Protagoras of Abdera /Painting by Ribera -

Business

VOL 10000000000 Issue 1

CEO’s should forget strategy, risk, globalization, collaboration, sustainability, digital disruption and many other trite bogeymen, according to renowned management expert and Harvard Business School Professor Magnus Gabor “The CEO must unashamedly demand MORE FASTER,” the Hungarian-born Gabor who advises leadership of more than 75% of the largest multinational companies, told Lou Dobbs of Fox Business News. “That is how he lives and that is what he has always done in interacting with employees, customers and suppliers. He has to own and perfect that behavior.” In the upcoming issue of the Harvard Business Review, Gabor, who speaks solemnly with an accent as thick as goulash, will publish the results of his unprecedented study of top business executives on six continents, many of whom were supposedly women, along with his one-step prescription. “MORE FASTER is the answer when the question is what to do, no matter who is asking the question nor its context,” intoned Gabor. “The CEO should not measure anything else or chase anything that makes him stray. Success correlates to his ability to embody MORE FASTER.” In a related story, Dobbs ruptured a vertebra in his neck while nodding vehemently in agreement during the interview with Gabor.

 

Huge American Flag Maker to Open Huge Car Dealership

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Business

VOL 50 Issue 1776

MegaGlory Inc., the leading manufacturer of supersize American flags, announced it will open a MegaDealer of all domestic and foreign automobiles. “We talk to all the U.S. car dealers and we learn from them every day, because they are essentially our only clients,” said Bull Rambo, President and CEO of MegaGlory Inc. “We like contributing to the splendor of their business, and we also like things that are enormous, so we are going to open a national network of gigantic centers that sell every kind of car.” Analysts note that as MegaDealer competes with and takes business from auto dealers, the move may cannibalize the company’s ridiculously-gigantic-American-flag business. Rambo acknowledged that observation, while asserting that the main lesson he’s taken from car dealers is whether you sell really big American flags that cluster and loom over stretches of municipalities, or just cars, it’s all about patriotism and has nothing to do with advertising, attracting attention, or making lots of money.

Amateur Physicist Theorizes Zone beyond Supermarket Milk Section

Wide perspective of empty supermarket

Science

VOL M Issue +1

There is a space-time region even farther away than milk in the supermarket, according to the mind-bending hypothesis of Zuleika Zounds. If it exists, the mysterious, frigid zone is so distant it would add thousands of steps and hours of exertion and inconvenience for a typical consumer/traveler each year—as if it were intentionally placed beyond the supermarket’s conventional boundaries by a malevolent architect who wants to mess with hurried people and drain them of precious time. Zounds, who enjoys games with numbers and PBS science programs, and has admitted to a bit of a crush on the genial and debonair Neil deGrasse Tyson, believes this speculative area is as far from regular ol’ mass-produced milk—not to be conflated with slightly more accessible organic milk or yogurt—as regular ol’ mass-produced milk is from the checkout. What the zone might contain strains the imagination, but Zounds says it would be foodstuff even more essential than regular ol’ mass-produced milk.

Fitness Trackers Pinpoint Group with Most Panic and Heart Attacks

ailmentphotopanicattacks

Health

VOL 145 Issue 60

Expectant first-time fathers who have just exited Target after their first shopping-for-baby trip experience by far the highest level of anxiety-fueled cardiovascular trauma of any population, according to FitBit, competing fitness trackers and mood rings. Acute panic and related distress peak two-three weeks before a baby is born, when a father-to-be has been dragged after work to Target, a store he’d rarely if ever patronized, by the soon-to-be mom. Big Data—confidentially curated from devices that monitor heart rate and wellness, and incorporate GPS feeds—indicates that when the future dad struggles to push a red cart overflowing with diapers, clothes, wipes, medicine, ointments, room accessories and other cute and necessary supplies, then softly asks, “So how much did we spend in there?” and receives the answer—that is precisely the moment when medical professionals should be no farther than 20 paces, with transportation revving and emergency cardiac care on standby at the nearest hospital.

 

Daniel Craig Quietly Campaigning for More Torture Roles

DanielCraig

Movies

VOL 70 Issue 3

English actor and mature heartthrob Daniel Craig is diplomatically soliciting more roles that entail physical torture, according to sources. “Daniel quite rightfully deserves to star in another movie in which his character is interrogated and tortured, or just plain tortured,” said one friend. “Watch Casino Royale, Spectre and The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo—there is no question that Daniel delivers the goods. He uniquely projects a steely dignity and defiance, without losing the vulnerability and pain, when he is strapped in a chair or suspended by chains.” Beyond his track record of excellence, Craig reportedly savors the physical and emotional nuances involved with such work. Friends say his wife, actress Rachel Weisz, after studying the scenes and professionally reenacting them with Craig, has vigorously endorsed his campaign for more of the same work, perhaps because he hasn’t been that busy lately. In their quiet working of Hollywood back channels, Craig and his representatives have been notably restrained during impromptu auditions for producers, directors and casting agents who are developing big-budget projects that showcase the harsh treatment of heroes. “There are dozens of these torture roles coming out in the next few years—maybe it’s a sign of the times—and only a few truly A-list actors that fit them,” said another friend. “It’s refreshing that Daniel has been so classy in tooting his own horn about torture and so remarkably low-key in requesting a ginormous paycheck.”

New Lincoln “McConaughey” Rolls Out and It’s Not Just for Bourbon Sippers

McConnaghy

Cars

VOL 478  Issue 23

Next month Ford Motor Company’s Lincoln division will introduce “The McConaughey” to celebrate the actor’s tasteful and successful advertising campaign for the Continental, as well as his distinctive personality and values. The luxury sedan exudes a taut, sleek, somewhat waxen, intense, stoner Zen design, and features engraved Wild Turkey glass holders, monogrammed bongo drum and stand, clothes hamper and, predictably, DVD players preloaded with a signature movie library. Through a delightfully calculated marketing ploy, Lincoln will sell the limited-edition McConaughey to only 500 women and only 100 men. Auto insurers are reportedly still simulating how the model will be used by groups of unpredictable hipsters, so that they can offer the appropriate coverage.

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