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The Onion Dip

Humor. And Dip.

Solitary Highway Walkers’ Destination to be Revealed

highway

Transportation

VOL 66 Issue 1

The average American has seen in her/his lifetime 27 single pedestrians walking on desolate highway shoulders and has no clue where they were headed, according to a ground-breaking study. That will change tomorrow when social scientists reveal the pedestrians in fact share a common destination. “We are the first to grok this population of lonesome-seeming ciphers trudging literally on the margins,” said the study’s leader, Dr. Violet Hugo in a statement. “While we all periodically see these men—99.2% of them are men—with minimal or no baggage and miles from an abandoned vehicle, exit ramp or apparent end-goal, we simply keep on trucking without connecting to them or recognizing their motivation.” Based on satellite imagery, advanced GPS tracking, Fitbits and good old-fashioned clinical interviews over 20 years, Hugo’s team discovered that the enigmatic, solitary walkers have always had the same quest and been propelled by the same urge. This blogger is now on the way to cover Dr. Hugo’s press conference tomorrow by the airport, although his younger brother wrecked the car, he doesn’t particularly want to spring for Uber or a car service, he wants to break in his new pair of sneakers, and he doesn’t want EZ Pass reporting his whereabouts to The Man.

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By Prohibiting These Two Words, Area Woman Totally Shuts Up Hair Stylist!

hair

Beauty

VOL 75 Issue 76

“You can’t say ‘product’ if you want to cut my hair today,” Minerva Messi told her chatty stylist. “Nobody else anywhere says ‘product’. I mean, ‘product’ could mean anything, like a hairspray I love, some foul chemical, or like a toy or something. Get specific about what you want to put on me or sell.” For a second, the stylist paused, then began recounting a similar outburst by one of her other clients. “No no no!” Messi said, laying down the law. “Don’t be telling me about some ‘client’ like you’re a lawyer or accountant or somebody serious and whatnot. I am not your ‘client’—I’m just a stranger who drove by and decided I could drop some cash on getting my bangs done different. You don’t even know my last name or whatever.” According to one eyewitness, the stylist snipped sullenly in silence for the next half-hour. According to another, she pivoted to a monologue about meeting David Copperfield in Las Vegas. At press time, there was no word about Messi’s opinion of her new bangs.

Uh-oh, a Bunch of “Drug Free School Zone” Signs Just Went Up — And You Know What That Means

Drug_Free_School_Zone_Sign

Modern Life

VOL 2018 Issue 6899

Uh-oh, a bunch of “Drug-Free School Zone” signs have materialized out of nowhere, noted resident Aimee Stubblefield as she drove down Main Street, and you know what that means. Stubblefield shook her head and resolved to count the Drug-Free School Zone signs, especially the new-looking ones, in each town on her morning commute, and you can tell where this is going.

Human Beats Algorithms at Die Hard Sequel Naming

DieHard

Movies and Marketing

VOL 20 Issue 20

In a testament to human ingenuity and superiority over Artificial Intelligence software, Randy Schnickens won the inaugural Man vs. Machine challenge, which entailed naming future movie sequels. Selected at random was the popular Die Hard franchise which, as all of us know, featured the sensible titles, “A Good Day to Die Hard,” “Live Free or Die Hard” and “Die Hard With a Vengeance.” For the contest, the mixed team of human and robot judges scored the names according to how brand-enhancing, clever, formulaic and likely they were. Schnickens’ top-scoring titles were:

  1. Die Hard: The Hardening
  2. Die Hard: The Bigger They Come, the Harder They Die
  3. The Die Hard Die-aries
  4. Die Hard: The Hard Army
  5. Die Hard: Port of Death: Hardtown
  6. Ixnay on the Eye Day Ard Hay
  7. DH XX LMFAO
  8. Die Hard: Infinity of Dead Hardness
  9. Lil’ Die Hards
  10. Die Hard Presents: McClane Unchained
  11. Why Did the Chicken Die Hard?
  12. Die Hard Craps: Hardways and a Yo
  13. How to Train Your Die Hard
  14. Quaternary Die Hard: Maniac Masseur vs Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom
  15. Die Hard: Bad Guys Have Accents
  16. Die Hard Say Wha’choo Talkin’ ‘Bout, Bruce Willis?
  17. Regarding Die Hard
  18. Die Hard: After the Colon
  19. Diamonds Die the Hardest, Talc Dies the Softest
  20. Yippee Ki-Yay, Mother Teresa

The Schnickens victory comes as software systems have recently defeated mankind at chess, Go and Dota 2 in preparation for world dominance. At press time, there are reports of spontaneous celebrations of interesting, creative people who are pursuing worthwhile endeavors, are concerned about the Tech Singularity, and enjoy their cinema mindlessly serialized and named by humans.

Serial Insulter Targeting Backsplashes

backsplash

Interior Design

VOL 77 Issue 21

“I didn’t know they sell vinyl at The Dollar Store,” Topher Tucker sneered in the Gigantes’ kitchen, sparking a violent backsplash backlash. Like a malevolent Greek deity, Tucker has always sowed the seeds of discord. It is unclear why he has begun targeting backsplashes, but the early results indicate the subject is sensitive. “Splattered backsplash, splattered mind,” Tucker snorted enigmatically to most of the guests of Deirdre Hood, prompting the hostess’s crying jag and Tucker’s ejection by a former Marine. Yesterday, at the housewarming party for the Fozzie family, Tucker’s comment that, as evidenced by the backsplash, whoever did their kitchen was skimping, drinking, hallucinating or all three, started a brawl that spilled out into the cul-de-sac. As the police arrived, Tucker exited in the shadows, chuckling.

Area Woman Officially Transitioning from Urban Outfitters to Anthropologie

transition

Fashion

VOL 25 Issue 32

After resisting the metamorphosis known to millions of American women, Tamara Doodle has been transporting most of her Urban Outfitters wardrobe to a consignment store and replacing it with Anthropologie which, she admits, ironically can have a consignment feel. Doodle is already performing drawer reassignment in her bedroom, she has privately let on to a few of her closest confidantes, and she is on a diet of mid-market chardonnay. Steadily employed for three years, Doodle has vowed to remain forever cheeky despite the transition, even as she acknowledges she is significantly less edgy and much more whimsical.

Left Out of “30 Under 30” and “40 Under 40” Business All Stars, Area Man Sets Sights on “90 Under 90”

red-light-behind-closed-door_42046-840x450

Business and Psychology

VOL 110 Issue 110

Mysteriously excluded once again from his industry’s widely read and accepted 40 Under 40 celebration of very successful techie innovators, Sterling Krapp briefly licked his wounds and recalled that the 30 Under 30 collections of precocious entrepreneurial movers and shakers from his previous profession had also omitted him. Krapp has sensibly readjusted his expectations as he awaits his rightful entry into an age-limited pantheon of greatness. In light of his obscure achievements and modest network of friendly colleagues who would naturally nominate him for an award, any “50 Under 50” or “60 Under 60” assemblies are not looking good for Krapp. If his laziness and solipsism increase with senescence as expected, “70 Under 70” and “80 Under 80” are possible, but still long shots. Krapp doesn’t want to live to 100, so his recognition in “90 Under 90” is desirable and bankable and calling to him so strongly, he can almost taste it.

Despite Appearances, Beliefs and Actions, School District Superintendent is a Super Guy

superintendent

Education

VOL 175,000 Issue 1

Even though Dr. Adam Axdropp earns an obnoxious salary untethered to the compensation of rank-and-file school district teachers and employees, it should be noted that he carefully listens to his grandchildren’s daily narratives and does a great Sean Connery impression. While it is true that Dr. Axdropp (who cuts an outdated, tightly wound, privileged, patrician figure in his suburban banker’s suit and tie at each school board meeting) imported several incompetent rubber-stampers from his previous school district rather than retain qualified, homegrown administrators, it is also true that he dotes on his wife of 42 years, Penny, and regularly cooks lasagna for a local food pantry. Although Dr. Axdropp much prefers to talk about arming several new school resource officers rather than hiring one additional special education teacher, it should not be overlooked that he recently donated a kayak and canoe to a boating club, where he gives free lessons. And yes, Dr. Axdropp thinks that closing elementary schools to consolidate and build one sterile institution way out in the hinterlands, with no regard for educational values or community impact, is something to proudly champion so long as you merely pay lip service to Efficiency, but he also juggles and rides a unicycle, plays trombone in a brass band that performs at senior citizen facilities, and laughs heartily with you, not at you.

Teen’s Geezer Rock Disappoints Geezer

Geezer-Butler-640x427

Rock ‘n’ Roll

VOL 19 Issue 51

At a recent holiday gathering, the father of a college freshman asked her friend what kind of music he “was digging these days.” The young man, who was not big on eye contact, said he liked, “you know, Rock.” As he followed up with “what groups?” the silver-tufted father anticipated a list of strange names that he might research so he could sample tracks of the New Alternative Whatever and get up to speed musically while hauling ass down Route 67 to the office. Instead, the young man, who was not big on enunciation, replied that he liked the great, old groups like, you know, Led Zeppelin, AC/DC and Black Sabbath. “Holy crap, Black Sabbath?!” the father snorted, “they were already geezers when I was a kid!” Let down and disgusted by today’s youth, he trudged to the cooler for a Bud Light and yelled back over his shoulder, “Their bass player was even named Geezer!”

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