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The Onion Dip

Humor. And Dip.

Amateur Physicist Theorizes Zone beyond Supermarket Milk Section

Wide perspective of empty supermarket

Science

VOL M Issue +1

There is a space-time region even farther away than milk in the supermarket, according to the mind-bending hypothesis of Zuleika Zounds. If it exists, the mysterious, frigid zone is so distant it would add thousands of steps and hours of exertion and inconvenience for a typical consumer/traveler each year—as if it were intentionally placed beyond the supermarket’s conventional boundaries by a malevolent architect who wants to mess with hurried people and drain them of precious time. Zounds, who enjoys games with numbers and PBS science programs, and has admitted to a bit of a crush on the genial and debonair Neil deGrasse Tyson, believes this speculative area is as far from regular ol’ mass-produced milk—not to be conflated with slightly more accessible organic milk or yogurt—as regular ol’ mass-produced milk is from the checkout. What the zone might contain strains the imagination, but Zounds says it would be foodstuff even more essential than regular ol’ mass-produced milk.

Fitness Trackers Pinpoint Group with Most Panic and Heart Attacks

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Health

VOL 145 Issue 60

Expectant first-time fathers who have just exited Target after their first shopping-for-baby trip experience by far the highest level of anxiety-fueled cardiovascular trauma of any population, according to FitBit, competing fitness trackers and mood rings. Acute panic and related distress peak two-three weeks before a baby is born, when a father-to-be has been dragged after work to Target, a store he’d rarely if ever patronized, by the soon-to-be mom. Big Data—confidentially curated from devices that monitor heart rate and wellness, and incorporate GPS feeds—indicates that when the future dad struggles to push a red cart overflowing with diapers, clothes, wipes, medicine, ointments, room accessories and other cute and necessary supplies, then softly asks, “So how much did we spend in there?” and receives the answer—that is precisely the moment when medical professionals should be no farther than 20 paces, with transportation revving and emergency cardiac care on standby at the nearest hospital.

 

Daniel Craig Quietly Campaigning for More Torture Roles

DanielCraig

Movies

VOL 70 Issue 3

English actor and mature heartthrob Daniel Craig is diplomatically soliciting more roles that entail physical torture, according to sources. “Daniel quite rightfully deserves to star in another movie in which his character is interrogated and tortured, or just plain tortured,” said one friend. “Watch Casino Royale, Spectre and The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo—there is no question that Daniel delivers the goods. He uniquely projects a steely dignity and defiance, without losing the vulnerability and pain, when he is strapped in a chair or suspended by chains.” Beyond his track record of excellence, Craig reportedly savors the physical and emotional nuances involved with such work. Friends say his wife, actress Rachel Weisz, after studying the scenes and professionally reenacting them with Craig, has vigorously endorsed his campaign for more of the same work, perhaps because he hasn’t been that busy lately. In their quiet working of Hollywood back channels, Craig and his representatives have been notably restrained during impromptu auditions for producers, directors and casting agents who are developing big-budget projects that showcase the harsh treatment of heroes. “There are dozens of these torture roles coming out in the next few years—maybe it’s a sign of the times—and only a few truly A-list actors that fit them,” said another friend. “It’s refreshing that Daniel has been so classy in tooting his own horn about torture and so remarkably low-key in requesting a ginormous paycheck.”

New Lincoln “McConaughey” Rolls Out and It’s Not Just for Bourbon Sippers

McConnaghy

Cars

VOL 478  Issue 23

Next month Ford Motor Company’s Lincoln division will introduce “The McConaughey” to celebrate the actor’s tasteful and successful advertising campaign for the Continental, as well as his distinctive personality and values. The luxury sedan exudes a taut, sleek, somewhat waxen, intense, stoner Zen design, and features engraved Wild Turkey glass holders, monogrammed bongo drum and stand, clothes hamper and, predictably, DVD players preloaded with a signature movie library. Through a delightfully calculated marketing ploy, Lincoln will sell the limited-edition McConaughey to only 500 women and only 100 men. Auto insurers are reportedly still simulating how the model will be used by groups of unpredictable hipsters, so that they can offer the appropriate coverage.

Researchers Isolate Ignore-the-Screaming-Child Gene

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Health

VOL 23 Issue 25000

The gene that allows an adult male to calmly ignore his own screaming infant or toddler has been identified. Scientists at Cold Spring Harbor Laboratory say the gene suppresses nurturing and empathy instincts, unleashes stress inhibitors, and effectively lets a man completely tune out a small child throwing a tantrum or otherwise vocalizing any form of bodily or emotional anguish. Through groundbreaking research on the gene, which exists only on the Y chromosome of all men worldwide, indicates it is most prominently activated during certain behaviors and in specific environments: while a man is driving his car and listening to Led Zeppelin’s “Kashmir”; downstairs in the den watching NFL RedZone; or at the dining room table savoring Rigatoni Bolognese and sipping a Valpolicella. The scientists are now exploring why women lack the “ignoring-the-screaming-child” gene and they are inviting the medical, business and political communities to suggest additional applications for its introduction, because the end behavior is so prevalent and unquestionably blissful.

Young Lawyer Cheerfully Abusing Jargon

Tantamount

Language

VOL 3 Issue 4.8

Regina Wyndbagh, a first-year associate at a fairly reputable corporate law firm, has enthusiastically injected a fragment of legalese into personal conversations, according to irritated friends. “Putting celery in tuna fish – that’s tantamount to gross malpractice!” Wyndbagh exclaimed while lunching on Saturday with people who do not work in Law. Later, in a supermarket parking lot, she chirped to a friend, “Randomly shoving your shopping cart in the pen when you’re done with it—instead of neatly nesting it in the queue—is tantamount to gross malpractice!” A mutual acquaintance observed that Wyndbagh always had a passion for justice and language, and speculated that the pet phrase had been uttered by a hoary professor at law school. Taking things to the next level, the young attorney, during a sunset stroll in town on a path frequented by dog walkers, posted a photo of unscooped poop with the caption #TTGM.

Area Man Not Gonna Hike Up Pants Anymore

1c5a7e54-6df0-4a12-8549-704af8673220Fashion

VOL 42 Issue 20

Rudy Stubblefield has sworn off hiking up his suit pants, chinos, jeans or shorts, it can be reported today. Absolutely fed up with continual adjusting, tugging and twisting, Stubblefield made his decision and then cursed trouser designers for failing to account for his paunch and saddlebags, as well as for their collective ruse in offering “relaxed fit” and putatively accommodating sizes. “I’m not a strangely shaped alien from Mars–I’m a typical, sedate, pudgy American,” he harrumphed, “I don’t want to be constantly pulling up my pants while I’m getting coffee at the office, hanging at Buffalo Wild Wings, or even just screwing around with my dogs in the backyard.” Stubblefield added that from now on he will no longer touch his belt–if he even wears one–and will just let the chips fall as they may. Attempts to contact his coworkers, friends and family for reaction have been unsuccessful.

Braggart’s iPhone Claim Repulses Women

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Culture and Technology

VOL 90 Issue 0

After Leif Brockovich boasted that he always keeps his iPhone at least 90% charged—no, he’s never tolerated even one exception—the dashing young man found himself alone at the bar of Millenny-Yummy’s, abruptly abandoned by the three stylish, savvy women with whom he was conversing for nearly five minutes. “There’s just no way that can be—what a liar!” snorted Arianna Lively, “I just look at my phone, much less rub it, and I’m down to 83%!” “Does he not shop, snap pics, play games, fake-date or talk to people?” Bella Winter asked incredulously. “Why would you want to be so consistently charged?” Cameron Gomez added, “That’s just not a worthwhile life goal.”

Newlywed Horrified by Hubbie’s Portion Sizes

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Life

VOL 250 Issue 2

Only 11 days after her wedding, Athena Moore took stock of her husband’s eating habits. At the reception, Dion Moore had three slices of cake and five floral bouquets of icing. During their honeymoon cruise to Cancun, for one of his appetizers at the buffet he helped himself to three plates of peeled jumbo shrimp on four consecutive nights. Back at their new two-bedroom condo in Las Vegas, he ate a family-size bag of Doritos and a can of Chunky Sirloin Burger Soup (which serves 2.5 people per can according to the label), just to note a couple of examples. When they went to the Cineplex to see Beauty and the Beast, Athena could only glance peripherally at Dion’s armful. Good Lord, she thought, I had no idea I married a freaking glutton.

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